Alright, so I haven't posted in quite sometime, and have been sitting on a really good story from my old job, so I figure why not share it. Now of course, not all of you may find this funny, but if you are looking for a really good reason to be ashamed of being American, then please read on.
Ever have one of those moments where you're standing around, or watching TV, and you catch the last teensy-weensy (yes, thats right, I said teensy-weensy...bite me) bit of a news broadcast or some assumedly educated person's conversation? And as you catch that little last bit you listen so attentivly that you now feel that without hearing the whole story, you are now able to pretend to be educated on the subject as well, whatever it may be?
Well, news flash. Next time check your facts before you go sharing them.
Here's how it went down boys and girls...
It was a monday night, real slow at the old restaurant, and I was standing at the bar waiting for a table to clean, when out of nowhere we fellow busboy comes up next to me, grabs a lemon-wedge in his left hand, a lime-wedge in his right hand, and allows this gem from the slow, leaky drip of idiocy from his brain to leak out of his mouth:
(The following convo is as best as I can remember it)
Him: "Hey, I bet you didn't know this"
Me: "Know what?"
Him: (with a big grin on his face) "I bet you didn't know that limes" (raises lime for effect, I suppose) "are nuttin' more then unripe lemons" (raises lemon)
Me: (Not entirely sure if he is really that stupid or just REALLY bored) "Haha. Wait, what?"
Him: (Even bigger staisfied grin now) "See, I told ya you didn't know! Limes are just unripe lemons!"
**At this point I could have very well walked away laughing, or, to save face for him at least, given him the "oooook, whatever" and still walked away. But, I was bored, and planned on quitting soon anyway, so I figured, as long as I'm being paid 6.50 an hour, I may as well enjoy it.**
Me: (Preparing to knock on his head to see if its hollow) "No. No, they're not. They're two completely different fruits."
Him: "Nuh-uh! No they ain't."
Me: "Yeah, they are, they are both citrus, but they don't even grow from the same tree."
**Alright, so at this point let me ask you this. If you were him would you:
A) Say "Fuck you" and walk away
B) Say "Whatever and walk away
C) Just walk away
D) Continue the argument, supplying what you think to be even more proof of your point?
In case you're curious, he chose D**
Him: "Aight, look, what color is a fruit when it ain't ripe yet?"
Me: (Seeing where he is going with this, and humoring him for my own enjoyment) "Green."
Him: (Thinking hes gaining the upper hand) "Alright, see...and how about this...which is smaller, a lemon or a lime?"
Me: "Lime."
Him: "See? Its smaller cuz it ain't ripe yet!"
Me: (Deciding that proving him wrong is now not only a necessity, but a community service) "Alright, first off, look at the inside of the fruit, they don't look the same. Secondly, they don't grow on the same trees, and thirdly ask anybody else here and they'll tell you you're wrong."
**After making that assumption I was more praying for myself then for him, because the caliber of co-worker I had could have easily let me down at this point**
Him: (turning towards a female server) "Alright, hey, ain't a lime just an unripe lemon?"
Her: "No. Are you stupid?" (she began to laugh as he started his explination again)
Him: "Whatever, I know I'm right."
Me: (Finally deciding that its due time to make some money) "Fine, I'll bet you the 3 dollars in my back pocket you are wrong."
Him: "Hell, I'll bet you $1,000 I'm right."
**Ok, so maybe I'm a bad person for accepting this bet. In our state a handshake is a legally binding verbal agreement. Did I give him too much credit in assuming he knew this, or knew he had no idea and took advantage of him?
So maybe I'm a worse person for making him shake on it. Shoot me!**
Me: (After shaking his hand, asking several co-workers who all proved my point) "See, you're wrong, and now you owe me $1,000! That's like 4 paycheck, sweet!"
Him: (Now realizing that after he heard his trippy little friends lemon/lime debate he probably should have this astounding knowledge to himself) "I don't owe you shit."
Me: "Yah, but in Ohio a handshake is merely an unripe legally binding contract!" (Yes, I could barely get that one out without laughing)
Him: (trying to save some serious face) "Fine take me to court, I'll shoot yo' ass. I was just kidding anyway, it was one of them rhetorical questions."
Me: (realizing this convo is going make me die from laughter if I don't end it soon) "Ok first off it wasn't even a question, it was a statement, and secondly it definitly wasn't rhetorical...do you even know what rhetorical means?"
Him: (Getting very angry) "You know what? Fuck you!" (and he stormed away)
**ah, finally, option "A"**
So yah, that was quite a night at work...I really needed a good laugh too. But I can't just thank him, I think I have to thank, in part, the American education system. I mean he was my age so he had been through grades K-12 and had graduated high school, so I mean that should be proof of the top-notch level of education these facilities are pumping out.
Regardless, God bless america, and the several foreign islands that, one day, after fully-ripening, can become huge, full-fledged continents as great as the one we live in!
-Rudy
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